


I Hate You For What You Did (And I Miss You Like A Little Kid)

by ConsiderableColors



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bad Parent Walburga Black, Boggarts, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fuck J.K. Rowling, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Thanks Walburga, This is just one big load of sadness, This starts out a bit slow but just stay with me it's worth it (hopefully), Verbal Abuse, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, okay a little comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 05:13:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30016644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: When Sirius steps in front of the boggart, it takes mere seconds for it to transform into his mother.Sirius, funnily enough, isn't affected by this at all.The boggart stares at Sirius, and for the first time in its life, hesitates.Or, Sirius Black was abused, boggarts can be very creative, and this was a really bad idea for a lesson.Title taken from Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers.
Relationships: It's never stated but it's there, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black & Walburga Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	I Hate You For What You Did (And I Miss You Like A Little Kid)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here's my take on Sirius and Walburga, from the POV of someone who has an emotionally abusive mother ✌
> 
> This fic is purposely written to be very creepy and uncomfortable. Please, please don't read this if you think it will upset you. Take care of yourselves and stay safe 
> 
> Oh and also PSA: JK Fuckling is a piece of shit and I don't respect her

When Sirius steps in front of the boggart, it takes mere seconds for it to transform into his mother. 

Sirius, funnily enough, isn't affected by this at all. 

He pulls his wand from his robe, and points it towards the boggart. He glances to his right, cool as can be, and can see James smile encouragingly, while Peter whispers something to Remus.

He turns back to the boggart, a smug grin on his face, as the Walburga caricature spits slurs and insults and curses, and wonders if a boggart has every miscalculated before this. He opens his mouth, and just as the spell starts to leave his lips, the bell rings. 

Professor Moriondo clasps her hands together. "Alright, we'll pick up with Sirius next class. Don't think you all in the back of the line have gotten out of this."

A few students exchange miserable glances, while others look much more excited. As they leave the classroom, Lily happily says, "I'm glad we were towards the back! We'll have extra time to practice." 

James huffs at this. "I was ready to do it today, though. Wish we could've just volunteered."

"Eager to show off?"

"Am I ever not?"

Lily shakes her head, and James turns to Sirius, grin widening.

"Guess you won't need the practice, though, huh Pads? The way you looked, it might as well have been a slice of pie."

Sirius shrugs at this, trying not to feel too smug. "What, am I supposed to be scared of something I've lived with my whole life? Not like I've never seen her before."

"I'm still surprised it was your mother, though," Peter says.

"You know what she's like." Sirius says defensively.

"No, I do! I just... I didn't know she was 'worst fear' bad."

"Well, as you could tell, that's not saying much. Guess I'm just not scared of anything."

Remus rolls his eyes affectionately. "Yes, yes, you're the true model of a Gryffindor. They ought to put up a statue in your honor."

"I like your thinking, Moony."

By the time they reach the common room, Sirius has practically forgotten the incident. Peter asks if anyone wants to play a round of Gobstones, to which the group agrees, and the class is put behind them. 

The next Defense Against The Dark Arts class starts with the same line, while the students who had already gone stand towards the back wall of the classroom, watching with interest. Sirius stands at the front of the line, not even bothering to pay attention to the teacher's instructions. Finally, she gives him a look, and opens the closet. The boggart comes whizzing out, and Walburga Black stands before him once more. 

"You disgusting little insect-" She begins to screech, wand raised. "Blood traitor, shame of the Black legacy, filthy little waste of space, I ought to jinx you until you can't walk straight-"

Sirius watches with a detached sense of boredom. It isn't nice to hear, certainly, but it's nothing he isn't used to. Slowly, so as to drag out the drama and impress the class as much as possible, he pulls his wand from his robe pocket. The boggart looks down at it, and falls silent. Sirius' eyebrows furrow, confused. 

Professor Moriondo leans forward in her seat, intrigued. 

The boggart stares at Sirius, and for the first time in its life, hesitates.

This boy is about to hurt it, it needs to defend itself quickly. But the boy does not seem scared. The boy is just looking at it. The boggart growls, and calls the boy's memories forward again.

Yes, this is the same woman. It looks like her, it knows. It sounds like her. It doesn't understand the problem. 

Angry, it sifts through the boys memories. 

The woman pulls the boy by his hair and shoves him into his room without dinner.

The woman pulls his red cloth from his hands and tosses them into the fire, then curses him to stand still and pulls green cloth onto him instead.

The woman stands over a different boy, magic-branch raised, as the boy runs in front of him and throws his arms out to shield him.

The woman screams at him in front of a table full of people, who all watch with approval.

The woman pulls him close and whispers a threat in his ear. The boy tries to move, but the woman holds him there, and-

And the boggart understands. And the boggart has found it. Yes, it will show the boy who is in control.

It shifts and watches the boy carefully.

Sirius stares as all of a sudden, the image of Walburga stops yelling, and looks at him. Then, before he can blink, it approaches him, and reaches out to touch him.

Sirius jumps back, a rush of adrenaline coursing through his body, but she doesn't hurt him. Instead, she pulls him close, and wraps him in a careful embrace.

He inhales sharply, willing his heart to stop pounding. "Let go of me."

She turns to look at him, and smiles, eyes kinder than he's ever seen them. He flinches, but she hushes him, gently running a hand through his hair. He shudders.

"Do you remember when I used to hold you like this?" She asks softly, and he knows she's not really hear, but she sounds real. "When you were little? Your cousin used to tease you terribly. And you'd come running to me, all teary-eyed and upset, and I'd sit with you, just like this? You were always a sensitive boy, weren't you, starlight? Even then."

Sirius can't breathe. 

"But I'd just hold you close, and listen to you. And I'd explain, all nice and calming, that you were safe. That a dragon wasn't going to come after you, that a thestral wouldn't harm you, that Bellatrix just liked to rile you up. I never lost my patience with you, back then. I'd just smile at you, and I'd tell you that I would never, ever let anyone or anything hurt you." She smiles at him, then looks down. When she looks back up, her gaze is harsher. Sirius tries to move back, but her grip stays tight.

"What happened, starlight? Why did I change? Nothing ever happened to me. So, then... So, then it must've been you, hm? But you knew that, didn't you?" He gulps, and she brushes a strand of hair from his eyes. "I loved you. But you... You became unlovable. It wasn't my fault, was it? I mean, can you blame me? When you've grown into such a disappointment?"

Sirius can feel himself tearing up, and a voice in the back of his head tells him he shouldn't, that someone is watching, but he can't remember who, can't focus on anything with his mother so close, wand threateningly sticking up right where he can see it.

"I- I didn't-" 

"Don't mumble," She says sharply. "Blacks don't mumble!"

He sucks in a breath, and she continues as if he hadn't spoken. 

"You used to be so good. So well-behaved. So talented. But you just couldn't stop yourself from screwing up." Her voice is no longer gentle. "That's all you've ever been good for, Sirius. Screwing up. It pushed your father and I away. It's pushing your brother away." He ducks his head, tears falling. She grabs his chin and forces him to look at her. "How long before you push your little friends away, too?"

"I-"

"Quiet!" She snaps. 

He falls silent, slowly starting to tremble.

"I mean, honestly. Why have they even stuck around you this long? You're foolish, selfish, and arrogant. If you weren't sharing a dorm, they wouldn't even look your way," She hisses. "What do you think they say about you when you're not around? You'll never be one of them. You can play dress up in your little Gryffindor garb all you like, you can play your pranks and talk back to me and burn every Howler I send you, but you will ALWAYS be a Black."

"They'll never see you as more than that. You see it, don't you? In the way they look at you. The way they wince, and try to hide it. They don't think you notice, but you do. They'll never trust you, starlight. Your own brother doesn't trust you anymore." She reaches a hand to his face and cups his cheek, eyes narrowing. "Not good enough to be a Black. And yet, not good enough to be a Gryffindor. Tell me, Sirius. What on Earth are you?"

Sirius pulls his fist to his mouth, desperately trying to muffle his cries. 

"You don't know, do you? You never have. You pretend to be the cocky little Gryffindor, the pranking hero of Hogwarts, the perfect heart-throb, but it's all a lie. You know what I think you are, Sirius? I think you're nothing. And there's no fixing that." 

There's a moment of silence. She smiles cruelly at him, and finally, finally releases him. He tumbles away, hyperventilating, and the boggart, satisfied, turns away and walks back into the closet of its own accord. 

Someone kneels beside Sirius, placing a hand on his shoulder, and he flinches so violently that the person removes it immediately.

The air is thick, and Sirius can feel almost everyone staring at him, before Professor Moriondo, seemingly snapping out of it, hoarsely says, "Class dismissed."

The class leaves, many students whispering back and forth. 

"Sirius?" James says, quieter than he's ever heard him before. 

He says nothing. 

Peter whispers, barely loud enough for Sirius to hear, "What do we do?"

"I don't know," James replies, voice breaking. 

Sirius curls up, pulling his knees to his chest. "Just... Leave."

"Sirius-"

"Please," Sirius says, and he loathes himself for the way his voice cracks. 

Slowly, Remus hovers his hand in view of Sirius, before placing it on his shoulder. Sirius winces, but allows it.

"Just..." Remus sighs. "We'll be in the dorm when you're ready. Okay?"

Sirius swallows. "Okay."

The hand squeezes gently, and Sirius listens as three sets of footsteps leave, pulling the door closed behind him. Then, and only then, does he allow himself to sob.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to stop by!


End file.
